I've just had a visit from Bayram Bey - a man with a yellow canister strapped to his back. He smiles a lot and sweats even more and, for the price of a glass of coke, he fucked the nervous system of every creepy crawly in my apartment. He's my new best friend and I'm looking to add him on Facebook.
This dude knows his cockroach from a hole in the ground and gave me a brief insight into the life cycle and purpose of various things that scuttle in the night. Here's the scoop people!
1. Cockroaches like humid places with water that doesn't move much. Washing machine outlet pipes are popular, for example. Block such pipes with a plastic bag, it'll both stop the smell and close the door to cockroaches.
The cockroaches that are causing me bother are the "American Cockroach". They come, wander around the bathroom, realise they can't live there, die then startle me to the extreme of squealing like a pre-teen. Twats.
The kind that wait until I'm asleep before eating my biscuits are known as the "German Cockroach"...
2. The 'Kalorifer Bocegi' (literally 'central-heating bug') or 'German Cockroach' are smaller and, though not as prolapse-inducingly scary as the American variety, are apparently more to be worried about. Big black cockroaches can't live in your house and prefer to lie back and wait for the bright light. The Germans wait until you're asleep and lay their eggs (and their beach towels) on everything you own. They're quite happy in your kitchen so you need to go for their nervous system.
One problem with these buggers, is that when you kill them, they expel their eggs. 15 days later, the eggs hatch and that same poison wont effect them. A shoe, however, will.
3. I've always thought of cockroaches as useless creatures whose only function appeared to be to keep me regular. Bayram Bey, however, put me straight... "The sewage pipes in Izmir would get blocked were it not for rats and cockroaches scuttling through the shit and keeping it moving". Nice work guys! I have trouble believing that their sole purpose on this earth is to clear our pipes.
For the time being, however, my house appears to be cockroach free. Bayram Bey, I love you and your yellow canister of joy.